Bittersweet Thoughts

It's comforting but it hurts.

2011-09-23T21:06:00.000-07:00

For how many long I've been starting to look at you differently?

I even forget it myself.

I just want you to know that I have this different something inside my mind toward you, and all of my feelings are so sincere for you.

In case you haven't known it but I feel it very very comforting to be around you and tell you every single thing about what I know and what I feel everyday, starting from all those basic simple things.

Why can't it be simpler? Why is it too hurting for me?

For God's sake, I found it hurts me a lot... to like you like this.

I can't be bold about my feeling because all of these conditions, but I want for sure is really, to let you know first that I have this special feeling toward you, but it hurts me a lot..

Because I cannot show it and I cannot let the others know..

2011-04-24T06:16:00.000-07:00

I like you, a lot...

I have delivered my messages to you, I hope you understand and realize it..

I like you, yes I like you a lot.

I love being with you, it comforts me, with all of your words and all of your messages.

I like where we were, where it was just the two of us, talking all night and forget the times..

Forgetting tomorrow.

I wish the day was never end, I wish you'd stayed longer.

I just wish it was longer, and that day was never been there.

Do you still remember when I told you everything, how sad I was when I had to know that you're leaving soon? When I had to fake my smiles so you won't know how sad I was?

I pretend to be strong with all my laughs and all my joys.. While wishing if that day would never come..

But life must go on, right? As you always tell me..

That we have to choose and make a decision, even it is way too much hard for us..

I adore you and all of your thoughts, your way of life, and how you always guide me with all your words, your maturity and your way of thinking, your way to comfort me..

Thanks for always be there, thanks for being a great person, thanks for all the times we've been through.. Nice to know someone like you in my life. Thank you for be a part of my life.

You'll always be remembered and you'll always be missed.

Best regards,

Nana Choesin.

2010-10-22T10:09:00.000-07:00

I played like the other half doesn't know anything.

Actually, I didn't have any idea what to write about something.

This post is a description of something, between me and one of my friends.

I meet this hilarious person in July but it wasn't the first meeting, actually.

Well I forgot the very first time I met this person.

And I still remember the date in July, I believe I know the date.

How to say it, it feels like we were ever close before.

Because by the time everything happened, all we did was just laughing and talking without stopping.

It was so real, it was great being together with that person.

I still remember what he asked to me on that day, which made me didn't know how to feel,

whether I was happy or I was sad at that time, knowing we were both good during those days.

I was never that honest in explaining everything,

but to that person even we just known each other at that time,

but we were honest to each other too.

I mean, I felt like I could tell that person everything I wanted to.

If I could say this words, I would like to let that person know too.

"Time sucks when moments are meant to last forever".

But if it did, then what would happen?

I don't even have the idea to think.

That person isn't made for me, I guess.

I didn't have the reason to fall on that person too.

But strongly I believe,

I need that person to be with me now,

sooner or later.

Have you ever wondered in every "I miss you" to you,

it actually means more than that, not just those ordinary "missing things".

I hope that person can understand too.

I did tell that person of how I've been missing that person quite a lot.

If I was able to let that person know more...

Maybe I could say something more than that.

But I guess I will not.

But, just to let that person know, if one day that person realize this post was meant for that person,

"It is never a mistake of being care about someone"

And I was trying to be so caring about you, but I said to myself if I do that, it will just hurt myself even more. Because now, I know I am missing you more than ever, more than I ever imagined. Yes, you make me smile, you make me laugh, you made me feel I didn't want to go back home. You are, the biggest reason of all. Of everything I could ever know, you, are the only exception. The one that was being so close to me, so nice to me, so kind to me. The one that always shared smiles and laugh, told me stories, support me all the time, and was the one who is always being original, without faking it. You made me forget how great my hometown was at that time, didn't know what would happen if you weren't there at that time, maybe I was just a deaf goat or something. I just love it the way it is, nothing much or less. I don't want to expect more to happen, I know it will hurt myself, or you too.

One thing that I know for sure,

You make me smile, and I really shouldn't miss you but I can't let you go.

Dedicated to one of my beloved friends I know so well couple of months ago.

2010-05-18T04:33:00.000-07:00

I want nothing now, nothing but you.

The love I have for you is just something I can't change, something that will remain each time I look into the views, the places we've been, and also the attention you gave to me..

You know, I wish you were here, I miss you the most..

2010-03-31T06:29:00.000-07:00

A Great Pretender

All I feel is strange in this kind of feeling
I wasn't there to see you and I wasn't there to have you in my mind
But I cannot teach myself, cannot hold my eyes not to look into you
Cannot stop wondering what are you doing

At that time what I remember is that,
I finally realize that I have this kind of feeling for you
It's quite sucks for me, eventually
Because this is not what I have predicted in the beginning, not something I wish I could have
But you know, I was just falling
Each time I was trying to make this feeling dissapear,
The more it comes through my mind

Then I was thinking maybe I should just go with the flow
You, yeah you, the one I've been thinking about
The one who never say I care to me,
But happily you are there whenever I need you
God, how I wish he knew how I feel about him.
I hope my smile can distract you.

2010-03-01T07:37:00.000-08:00

Nothing But You

I saw the sky in the morning on that first day
I got here, forgot everything I've felt when I was there
and then you here, in the same position as me,
but at that time you were with someone else,
thought I would never be able to reach your arms,
and hold it into mine.

Have you ever noticed, it feels so good whenever you were with me,
seeing things together, waving goodbyes as we had to
never know it was like, some of the best days here
having you as someone I can rely on,
talk about everything, and being so nice to me
caring with my problems which even were not yours

I remembered the day you hugged me for the first time
'cuz I was crying so bad, needed what we call a support.

It's hard, knowing you're no longer here,
while I need you the most,
like when I was fragile so bad.
But if there's no you then I won't be this strong.
To you... I'm hoping I can meet you soon
So that we can have some laughs again,
and I can express my true feelings with my arms wide open

Knowing our times together are just never enough
when I'm now here sometimes it felt so alone
so will you tell me,
have you ever wished we should fall in love?

I miss you,
I don't want anything..
Nothing but you,
here in my arms so we can walk together through the seashores and laughing together..
then maybe someday somehow,
I can have the guts to tell you how I feel.

2010-02-27T08:16:00.000-08:00

Tak ada apapun. Hanya kamu.

Emang yang namanya kehidupan di luar negeri sendiri itu selalu penuh dinamika, dan banyak yang sudah mengalaminya kebanyakan bilang seperti itu. Tapi bagi yang belum, kebanyakkan beranggapan kalau di luar lebih seru dan pastinya lebih asik daripada di kampung halaman sendiri.

Sebagai yang sedang mengalami hal ini, bisa dibilang aku cukup banyak mengalami hal2 yang bisa dibilang dinamika itu. Yah, namanya hidup, naik turun. Sedih di awal itu pasti iya, tapi lama-lama terbiasa dengan keadaan baru ini. Saat balik kembali ke Jakarta, rasanya begitu senang dan lupa seketika kalau pernah belajar di luar. Yang diingat hanya kembali ke tanah air dan bertemu kembali dengan orang-orang yang disayang.

Saat kembali lagi ke negeri orang, yang terasa adalah perasaan sedih meninggalkan tanah air, dan saat disadari, ada saja yang kurang di sini. Bukan soal rindu akan tanah air yang begitu menggebu-gebu seperti saat pertama kali sampai di sini, tapi saat itu yang aku rasakan adalah, tidak ada nya kehadiran orang itu seperti saat pertama kami berjumpa di sini, saat dia banyak membantu dan menemani aku yang sedang sangat sedih dan belum terbiasa dengan keadaan baru ini.

Kalau dipikir-pikir, akhirnya aku jadi berpikir keras dan kembali mengingat hal-hal yang bisa dibilang kenangan manis yang sudah pernah aku rasakan saat itu. Sesaat sempat menghilang tapi ketika kami berbicara banyak saat kami memang sudah lama tidak berbicara, terasa begitu menyenangkan, karena tanpa paksaan dan beban aku menceritakan saja apa saja yang sudah aku alami saat itu.

Tak ada yang lain yang ada di pikiranku saat itu, tapi entah sekarang bagaimana, aku rasa begitu juga. Aku rindu kamu, tiada yang lain yang aku ingin, tiada yang lain kecuali kamu, saat ini pun kuingin aku bisa bertemu denganmu..

2009-09-03T08:31:00.000-07:00

Do you even know the meaning of a best friend?

I wrote this poem so sudden, dedicated to my dearest best friend, Yuchan.

What's actually the meaning of a best friend for you?
Why do you call someone as your best friend?
When did you declare him/ her as your best friend?
Where did you first meet your best friend?
How is your friendship with him/ her, is it good, bitter, or sweet?
Who is your best friend, well actually, the real one?
I've found so many lessons about this term called "best friend".
And I know, it's kinda cruel to call someone off, I mean like "you were my best friend".

It's sad when you realized that someone you've never thought about, is actually your best friend.
It's even sadder, when you know that someone is actually the one you are currently missing.
But it's nice to have one, isn't it?
Because she/ he is the one who understands you the most.
The one who will always be there for you whenever you are sad, or you are happy.
The one who will cry when you're crying.
The one who will hug you tightly when you're so down..
And I will say that, I'm happy because I finally realized who my best friend is.

She's the one who always cheers me up whenever I'm down.
The one who always listens to all my burdens.
And also the one I've been knowing since 15 years ago, even more that that.
Happy to have you as my best friend, my dear dear friend.
Thank you for always be my best friend.
Love you, miss you more ♥

Warm hug,
Nabeyaki. xx.

Would you be like, like would you be here?

2009-06-04T09:32:00.000-07:00

Would you be like, like would you be here?

Feels like it's been forever, I've been hiding from this feeling
Like I would like to tell you the truth, the truth that never meant to be spoken.
But I just don't want to hurt myself later, since I know you've never paid attention me either.

Now would you be, like would you be here?
Would you hear me screaming your name until it's late at night.
But you won't care either.

And I've been trying to erase all of my pains, including those feelings toward you.
It reminds me not to fall deeper to the hole that would only cause me more pain,
since I'm not the one that you are looking for, well perhaps?
And you're not the one I thought I knew.
Over you.

But the tears have been falling down, into the night.
Without no specific reasons that would describe them.
Well I just want to say that I want to see your smile even more.
Because it feels so rite to see you smile,
but I guess those smiles are not for me, not even once.
I hope you won't be able to notice this pain that I keep secretly.
Not even later.

Don't make me say it.
Out loudly.
Since I would only be able to tell you the truth, all in my dreams
As if we were there, in the real world, but I guess.. well, who knows?

So just let me know,
would you be like, like would you be here?

Never will

2009-04-20T08:28:00.000-07:00

Never will

Actually I'm not okay
when I know there is someone that have the same feeling like me toward you
Never be okay when I see you are with her
It won't be fine, never will.

It felt so rite since the day I met you
noticing there is always something different when you're around me
and now I've noticed there is something not rite,
when I'm with you or when you are looking at me
or when we were talking
I guess I've never could see you as just an ordinary friend..

I don't know when will this feeling dissapear, or when will I forget this,
but I just want to let you know that

You won't ever be gone, never will.
Even I've never stopped to forget you
You won't ever be gone, never will.

You will always be here,
right now as someone that I see more than just a friend
or even just a great friend of mine.

You won't ever be gone, never will.
Now would you please,
be someone that could fulfill my life and give me happiness in every form?
Just let me have this feeling although I won't be able to tell you the truth..
But it feels so rite, to see your smile..

2009-03-06T08:10:00.001-08:00

I Caught Myself by Paramore

Down to you

You’re pushing and pulling me
Down to you
But I don’t know what I

Now when I caught myself
I had to stop myself
From saying something that
I should have never thought

Of you, of you
You’re pushing and pulling me
Down to you
But I don’t know what I want
No, I don’t know what I want

You got it, You got it
Some kind of magic
Hypnotic, Hypnotic
You’re leaving me breathless
I hate this, I hate this
You’re not the one I believe in
When God is my witness

Now when I caught myself
I had to stop myself
From saying something that
I should have never thought

Of you, of you
You’re pushing and pulling me
Down to you
But I don’t know what I want
No, I don’t know what I want

Don’t know what I want
But I know it’s not you
Keep pushing and pulling me down
When I know in my heart it’s not you

Now when I caught myself
I had to stop myself
From saying something that
I should have never thought

Of you, I knew
I know in my heart it’s not you
I knew
But now I know what I want
I want
I want
Oh no, I should have never thought

*I hate this feeling!!!! I have to let it go but I just can't.. Can't get you out off my mind.. Please.. Don't make feel even more guilty.. Please please.. I have to let this feeling go because I don't wanna make things any worse..*

2009-02-05T09:08:00.000-08:00

I miss you, and this feeling hurts like hell

So what I have to write?
Me myself don't know
But just cannot stop thinking about
this feeling, hurts like hell.

When I know in my heart is not you,
but you're the one I always miss
'cause now finally I really realize it,
I miss you, yea I miss you like no other.

I know that your hands aren't mine to be hold,
but I couldn't help myself when I was trying to hold it
because I miss you quite a lot
but perhaps you don't realize it.
And I also couldn't help myself, not to hug you
But I was trying to hold that feeling
I don't wanna speak any words,
because I don't wanna make things any worse
But I miss you, I know it.

So tell me rite away,
when you lie your head down at nite,
were you ever think of me?
When you're somehow alone,
were you ever remembered of me?
When I said that I missed you,
and you also said that you missed me,
did you really mean it?
did you really miss me like the way I miss you?

So yea, no matter what,
I'd rather having you as my best friend,
than not having you at all..

But would you please stay by my side?
Don't you leave me alone in a time like this,
I really need you to keep my smiling,
although I know you, are the one that pushing and pulling me down..
Makes me feel confused, really don't know how to feel..

And tell me with that mouth of yours,
this impossible feeling, how do you want me to say that?

2009-01-18T08:16:00.000-08:00

Adore by Paramore

I don't mean to run
But Everytime You come Around
I Feel more alive, than ever
And I guess it's too much
Maybe we're too young
And I don't even know whats real
But I Know I've never..

Wanted anything so bad
I've never wanted anyone so bad

If I let you love me
Be the one I adore
Would you go all the way
Be the one I'm looking for
If i let you love me (If i Say)
Be the one I adore (Its O.k)
Would you go all the way (You can Stay)
Be the One I'm looking for

Help me come back down
From high above the clouds
You know im suffocating, But i blame this town
Why do I deny
The things that burn inside,
Down deep I'm barley breathing
But you just see a smile

And I don't wanna let this go
Really i just want to know

If I let you love me
Be the one I adore
Would you go all the way
Be the one I'm looking for
If i let you love me (If i Say)
Be the one I adore (Its O.k)
Would you go all the way (You can Stay)
Be the One I'm looking for

If I let you love me
Be the one I adore
Would you go all the way
Be the one I'm looking for (x2)

If i let you love me (If i Say)
See the one I adore (Its O.k)
Would you go all the way (You can Stay)
Be the One I'm looking for

(I would like to dedicate this song to my best friend.. um.. well, I guess I have this kind of weird feeling toward you.. And I miss you terribly. Sorry that I have to fall for you..)

2009-01-12T08:38:00.000-08:00

Be the one I would always miss.

And when I know that I'm thinking about you, all over the time.
I know that I miss you all over the time.
Even if I always remind this mind not to think about it all of the time
but why do I have to stuck my mind on you,
how should I lose all these pictures
of your smiles and also your face
Because I do wanna forget this feeling
a kind of feeling I've been missing but also,
a kind of feeling I hate so bad

Just asking
What are you doing, somewhere now?
And do you feel you are lonely, or are you happy with that?
Have you ever thought, any kind of flash we have talked about last time we met?
Why won't you turned away and look at me?
Or somehow, perhaps saying that.. you miss that time?
When we were still be able to say some words every week.
Well maybe you won't
but.. still, I hope you will.

Simply that I really can't follow what I should have done
Forgetting those tears I've ever thrown up for you
but this mind against the logic way.
So yeah,

"Haten maar missen", ze zijn de worden voor jou.
Omdat ik die verleden dagen weet, toen ik van jou hield..
Mis mis mis mis je, en hield van jou.

2008-11-01T07:19:00.000-07:00

Thoughts..

It's a blog where I should I write my own poems, but this time I think I won't write a poem, just a deep thought that I'm currently thinking of.

Surely it was like, well even I forget what I did feel like that time, when we were at that place together. Not really together I mean, but at least I could meet and see you so often, but now it feels so much like.. I miss you again, damn, I know I shouldn't feel it again, I know you are currently with someone else that you love the most and she loves you as well.. But the thing is that, I really, really can't forget you rite away.. Still wondering if meeting and knowing you and did confess to you, surely was a very bad idea to have, yet I think I would never regret any pieces of it.

You're so damn good, you're too nice for me, even almost my friends that know you also always warn me not to fall into you again because they think that you are not meant to be mine, you are devilish, you are childish, you lied to me.. Whatever they did say to me, I always try the positive one. Perhaps I don't know you more like your friends, your lover, your family, whoever.. But among my friends, I think I know you better, well at least I know you more than them.. (but still, maybe..) And yeah, I can see you in my own view, like.. you are somehow cruel, cold-hearted, don't care with the others - somehow, or too naughty - you made some jokes that could hurt the others (hahahaha), you love her - ough well whoever she is, ... but the thing is that out of those things, I always see your kindness here..

Each time I look into those classes, those photos, those places, yeeeeees they really remind me of you, unfortunately because I feel lyk, I wanna see you even more, so bad! If I could ever tell you, you're one of my motivation while learning dutch (yeah because I could see you, when you were there) but I have to learn it more and again even I know you're not there even more, and I can't capture your smile again because it is not dedicated to me, not even mine.. I have to show you, that I can! .. But the thing is that, how if I fall again and again, although I know that a one-sided-love could hurts me so bad and irritating? Ou well.. I don't know how to think rite now..

2008-10-17T10:14:00.000-07:00

It's a someday somehow one day probably

I'm falling into memories of you
Things I used to feel, about you
The way I felt it, ever since I met you at the 1st time
I really want to go back there,
even though, those were just one-sided love feelings.
You are always too kind, too nice for me
It's really hard to get over this feeling,
a kind of feeling I shouldn't have it anymore..

But why, why, why..
I always want to see you even more?
To tell you that this feeling is overflowing like this?
Knowing it odes hurt to know that your smile, isn't mine, not for me, isn't mine to be captured by my favorite camera..

Everything you've done to me seems so ordinary,
but each time I remember it, always makes me smile even more,
makes me miss you even more..
Wanna see you rite away..
But if this feeling is totally wrong,
guess I can't fix it rite away,,

Yeah seems my feeling hasn't gone yet
'Til we meet again
Someday, somehow..
c. u. soon..

*Done by me, dedicated to yeah someone who said to me on my birthday date "c.u.soon" IK MIS JE heel.. Willen we weer ontmoeten? Omdat Ik je altijd mis.*

2008-10-03T07:16:00.001-07:00

IK MIS JE

Ik weet niet wat Ik voel, maar MIS IK JE..
Ik wil je weer ontmoeten, omdat ik je mis..
God, als Ik met hem weer ontmoet, maak het geworden, graag..

Me? A 20 years old girl?

2008-09-26T23:33:00.000-07:00

Snap a picture, every moment if I can
Doesn't change anything the way I was,
I am still me, won't be someone else.
Yea I know, some might say I'm still broken,
but I am just not.
I am not fragile as well, I won't cry anymore because of anything that break me into pieces.
It's too hard, though, learning to be a mature person..
Haven't noticed yet that I'm, well, already 19 years old and hopefully soon will become 20 years.
A bit excited though, but it will be useless if I can't act like a person who is already 20 years old.
Must be maturer than ever..

'Cuz I have to set my own goals,
I have to know which path I should choose
What to do, what may not to do?

........
Granddad, can you hear me now? I will be a 20 years old girl, oh well not a girl anymore I guess.
Haven't seen your smile, actually won't see it for forever,
just wanna say hi to you there, I miss you more than anyone..
I miss you and your smile, although we weren't that close days back than...
But it would be a pleasure for me if I can celebrate my 20th birthday with you again..
Just in my dream, I guess..
Say hi to Grandmom as well there, say that I miss her as well..

It's not to be regretted..

2008-09-21T05:50:00.000-07:00

Somehow what I have learned, what I have felt yesterday
Yeah yesterday feelings, the tears and the laughs that I got
Because of that one-sided love I was feeling,
somehow I miss you like crazy

Looking at your pictures really reminds me about my feelings toward you..
And still, thinking that I'm so lucky to have you although it's only as a friend of mine..
Things that I hate, the feeling itself, the way you broke my heart,
the way you told me that you're in love with someone else
and the stories you've shared to me to let me know that you're not in love with me..
the way you treated me as 'just-a-friend' of yours,
when you said I'm not mature yet..
and yes when you did make me loved you..

Things that I love, when I remember the feeling although it does hurt to see you now smiling but because of another person being with you..
The memories that I got, even though it was just an imagination within my mind..
And to know someone like you that can teach me how to be mature..
I was just missing you quite a lot, still can not forget all of those feelings..

Now I'm wondering, what are you doing somewhere now?
Have you ever think about me, even just one second?
But I don't wanna drown now into that sad memories of mine, only me..
I wish I were special to you but I don't belong to your mind..
And this words I've written, isn't something to be regretted of what,
just to show you how much I.. really want to meet you again, once again, once in a while..

(c)Nana Choesin, dedicated to someone that knows I ever had a special feeling towards him.. If only you could read and realized this thing..

Why should you, ever appear in my heart?

2008-06-02T07:07:00.000-07:00

This post is dedicated to my dearest cousin as I consider her as my lil sista,
sist don't you worry, everything will be just fine. I know it hurts you that bad, but just think that he won't be the best for you, though.. Remember that you will find someone soon or later, so just chill out! OK, here it is, my poem..

Why should you, ever appear in my heart?

After longing for more that a month, maybe it took so many times before..
All that I want to hear from your mouth is those kind of words,
You know what,
I never expected to have this kind of weird feeling towards you,
but it's you.
It's you the one that ask me to have this feeling,
it's you the one that makes me feel this..
But now?
You're gone..
Not from my mind, but from your own way..
Yea, you left me now completely and find your own happiness..
While you don't want to look at me with your smiles again..

Then it is,
why should you, ever appear in my heart?
Pretending that you don't know how those kind of things really affected my mind..
If this kind of thing will ever happen, then why you are here?
I prefer not to see you from the very first beginning..
I prefer you to do not ever make me feel this sweet feelings..
As now it becomes so much hurting me,
the sweetest smiles turned out to be sucks tears..
And yea, that is, because of you..

(c)Poem made by me, Nana Choesin aka Eimira Ratna Choesin

Dedicated to my best lil sist: Andini Saraswati, that is currently in deep shit because of her broken heart.. Don't you worry my dear, cheer up! :)

And I should notice the pains, now..

2008-05-12T06:27:00.000-07:00

When you said that you won’t be here again, when you said that you don’t see me..

Well maybe this is the time for me not to see you again anymore..

my pains get hurt me that much, and too soon.

It will be no longer worth for me by only hoping that you’ll see me one day.

I’m getting tired by trying to make you smile more than ever, but each time I was hoping that you would smile back for me, but you won’t notice me.

Each time I tried my best to make you understand and recognized me, you won’t pay any attention.

And now, you said AGAIN those kind of things.

I wonder, what kind of cold-hearted person are you?

You never want to see me, you could never understand me, you will never realized how hurt I am..

As if those understanding were given to me, but they are not.

Now I notice that these would be the pains that I’m fearing all of the time..

Though I still can not get you out of the feeling this time,

and I must be stronger than I ever be..

‘Cuz whatever it is, I won’t face you anymore..

And not to be a hypocrite person, all that I remember and see is you..

So, and here, yeah, you're fading like a memory, now all that I can do is just weeping, like a lost child, don't know how to fix this scar inside..

Grandpa..

2008-04-26T21:14:00.000-07:00

I heard MCR Song, about Cancer.. I mean, the title is Cancer..

Just see this lyric:

Turn away,
If you could get me a drink
Of water 'cause my lips are chapped and faded
Call my aunt Marie
Help her gather all my things
And bury me in all my favorite colors,
My sisters and my brothers, still,
I will not kiss you,
'Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you.

Now turn away,
'Cause I'm awful just to see
'Cause all my hairs abandoned all my body,
Oh, my agony,
Know that I will never marry,
Baby, I'm just soggy from the chemo
But counting down the days to go
It just ain't living
And I just hope you know

That if you say (if you say)
Goodbye today (goodbye today)
I'd ask you to be true (cause I'd ask you to be true)

'Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you
'Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you

*****

OK then, this is a really sad song..
If I dedicated the song for the one that is currently so over my mind, you..

I want to say

"BECAUSE THE HARDEST PART OF THIS IS BY SEEING YOU GO.."

But I also want to dedicate this song for my GrandPa..

I miss you so much.. I dreamed I was meeting you in my dream, in a party, like a birthday party.. Grandpa, how are you now? I miss you so much., and I hope you'll be fine there, in heaven..

I will also say to you, my dearest Grandpa, that

The hardest part of this is seeing you departure, from this beautiful world, as what you wrote in your letter, your heritage letter.. I miss you..

Granddad, will you also ever said, that

"Because the hardest part of this is leaving you all.."

Will you ever said that?

I MISS YOU SO MUCH, and I LOVE YOU SO MUCH..

Be fine there, Grandpa, everyone's missing you..

Ik alleen weet niet, misschien, wat?

2008-04-24T22:37:00.000-07:00

Ik weet niet wat Ik voel,

ben hij werkelijk, of niet?

deze ding, Ik ben voel..

en Ik weet ook niet, wat hij mag mij voelen..

Maar, een ding dat Ik weet, hoor..

is alleen..

Ik mis je, en Ik wil jij missen, een dag..

Can't Let You be a Star..

2008-04-21T07:00:00.001-07:00

Maybe not for now,
I can't let you be a star..
There were so many memories that I've got from being a friend of you,
from having a special feeling, just for you.
To let you, to be honest with myself as well..
From the thought that I'd ever thought I would never speak it to you,
but I did tell you the truth..

So I just wonder why, why I ever be this brave to say those words to you..
If someone asks me "how does it feel to love someone like him?"
I really don't know what to say..
Or if someone asks me "why you told him that soon?"
Even I don't know what to answer to this question..
I just follow what my heart ever said to me..

Also to let you know, if one day you ever read this post,
you're the first person i like that .. I never consider you as my brother.
So, to tell you as well, if I like someone, then I will consider him as my brother.
But you.. not..
I just see you the way you are, so it feels more relieved..

Then, I can't let you be star,
means I don't want to let you go now..
But if you really want to go, just be fine there..
If you need someone to tell some stories, I will hear it..

and thanks for you..

2008-03-26T07:13:00.000-07:00

For letting me said those words to you..
Although you said you can't, but being friends with you will always be more than fine..
Thanks for understanding me..
And nice words when you say, "It's your right to have that kind of feeling, Na.."

Thanks, so much thanks..
You turned my grumped into smile.. :)

My heart is still being opened for you.. (Standing Still)..

2008-03-24T08:10:00.000-07:00

I will always be here for you, no matter what.
Although I know that maybe you won't remember me anymore, but those memories back then always stuck in my head.
I will always keep my heart for you, and I will always open my heart for you.
So, I beg you not to go so far away, and I hope that you will always remember things we've shared days back then.

(c) Poem made by Eimira Ratna Choesin (me).
dedicated to someone..

But I really can not think of anyone but you..

2008-03-23T07:57:00.000-07:00

I just figured out that this is not the right time to say some words like this
But I really can not think of anyone but you..
Really, dreaming of you makes me really sick..
Each time I go to bed, I just think that this thing really distract my mind..
And each time I wake up in the morning, only those words keep swinging inside my mind..

Your heart isn't mine to be kept, your smiles isn't mine to be captured..
I know that your emotion and expression also aren't mine to be seen..
But I just want to capture your happiness 'cuz i know that there will be nothing that can cheer me up for rite now, nothing can really makes me happy but to see your smiles and then capture it so that i can always see your faces and smiles..

Will you ever smile for me again?
Will you ever share some stories to me again?
What will you do if I say those words to you?
And will you give me a warm hand shaking if you know that I can not hold this feeling for you?
Will you ever hear my stories again?
I hope you will..

Please stay here even though I know that your present isn't for me..
At least to see me, again, although you actually are not seeing me..
But i hope you will see me one day..
I know that I'm not good in keeping promises
But, when I know that I miss you, and you're so far away..
Or maybe I already forget what the feeling was like..
I will force myself to remember that, while seeing your photo..
Don't forget me, I hope you will not forget me, even though maybe I'm just a small memory inside your mind..
I just want to tell you the truth..

(c) Eimira Ratna Choesin (Me)

- I made this poem before I confessed my feeling to you..

Nothing Hurts My World - by Viya Llad

2008-03-20T08:08:00.000-07:00

I will not lie about this not being hurt, it does.
But you know, I don't know if it really hurts, or is it only my thoughts.
Whatever it is, it doesn't matter, because he's everything to me.
He's everything to me no more ( I hope).

His hand wasn't mine to hold, but I didn't pull away when his fingers intertwined with mines.
I grew out an unhealthy obsession over his smile, his laughter, the air that he breathes,
as if those were only for me.
All the while when I know, that she is the air that he breathes.
At least I -- they think so.

We'll laugh, we'll cry, we'll sing together,
And I'll ignore the aches, or whatever pain to comes.
Because no matter what, I'd rather having him as a friend,
than not having him at all.

I wish I could show him how much he means to me,
just how, he's the only one.
But how could I show him, when
Your eyes aren't on me?
Your eyes are always look at the one next to me.

Why it has to be her?

- POEM WAS MADE BY MY DEAR FRIEND, VIYA LLAD. NO TAKING WITHOUT LICENSING FROM HER. THX.

will it just be OK..

2008-03-19T06:53:00.000-07:00

is it OK, if i say those words to you?
will you still be able to see me?
will you still be able to share me some stories?
or even loads of stories like we did before yesterday?

i don't know what should i do, but if there is nothing forward, then how will i see things change?
if with words of love then it will distract everything, it will be fine if i just leave as it is
but if i don't move forward, then i will not see anything change..

so, i hope you will still share your stories with me..

I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE

2008-03-18T07:25:00.000-07:00

why you have to say such things?
i just can not think anything except what we've shared today
you made me smile yet you made me feel so hurt..
shut your mouth.. maybe it will be better for us to shut our mouth..

tell me how to make you smile..

2008-03-15T22:44:00.000-07:00

sorry for so many words on "make you smile" or "make me smile"..
yea i don't know why but i just kinda feel lyk i want to make someone smile forever,
or maybe i want to make myself smile as well..
it's kinda hurt... no, IT REALLY MAKES ME HURT so much, when i know someone that i'm currently.. like is going to another country, and also he's actually not study here, in another city of this country..
so i can predict that one day i won't be able to see him this often, i'm gonna miss you so much, my dear friend.. or should i say my dear crush?
but at least, let me make you smile more than ever, so i may hope that you will not forget me..
please still remember me although i was just a little memory in your mind cuz i can not be bigger than your other friends..

But God, If you will say so, please make me still be able to see him, until one day if You say so, I will go to another country as well.. and that will be my turn to say "bye" .. but it will not be a real goodbye, hopefully.. it will just for 1 year for me.. hopefully..

So, God, please help me on this.. please listen to me.. I beg you..

Make You Smile - Plus 44

2008-03-07T09:34:00.000-08:00

The last time I saw you, you turned away
I couldn’t see you with the sun shining in my eyes
I said “Hello” but you kept on walking
I’m going deaf from the sound of the freeway

The last time I saw you, you turned away
I couldn’t hear with your voice ringing in my ears
Do you remember where we used to sleep at night?
I couldn’t feel you, you’re always so far away

The first time I saw you, you turned away
I couldn’t see you with the smoke getting in my eyes
I said “Hello” but you kept on walking
I’m going deaf from the sound of the DJ

The first time I saw you, you turned away
I couldn’t hear with the noise ringing in my ears
Do you remember where we used to sleep at night?
I couldn’t feel you, you’re always so far away

I don’t, don’t wanna take you home
Please don’t, don’t make me sleep alone
If I could, I’d only want to make you smile
If you were to stay with me a while

The next time I see you, you’ll turn away
I’ll say “Hello” but you’ll keep on walking
The next time you see me, I’ll turn away
Do you remember where we used to sleep at night?
I couldn’t feel you, you’re always so far away

I don’t, don’t wanna take you home
Please don’t, don’t make me sleep alone
If I could, I’d only want to make you smile
If you were to stay with me a while

You.. Were the Nicest..

2008-01-07T07:27:00.000-08:00

Looking back to my memories when things weren’t this clear..
I saw you always with your sad faces with your sad figures too.
I know that someone inside your mind wasn’t me and it’s not gonna be me.
But you didn’t tell me who’s actually she is..

But you just smiled to me warmly, gave me so much supports ‘cuz you know I was also in deep shit due to those things bothered me..
More than it you were too nice for me, you were just too kind..
You were the nicest thing on Earth at that time, because you’re the one that knows what’s going on with me..

But you just keep me hanging on although I knew you’d say you won’t…

Now you’re gone but not completely, somehow you show up in front of me..
Telling me things I don’t know the meanings..
I think you should know that my patience also has its limit, not only you.
My smile has its limit as well because I know, I won’t smile like forever for you, while knowing my heart can’t smile because it feels hurt…
You probably love your life now, because she makes you completed..

So then, good bye mr. someone, good bye my feelings…

won’t miss you.. won’t miss it.. whatever it is…

This might be the last poem i could give for you, heart-breaker.

(c)Nana Choesin also known as Nanami and has a new nick who is Namiyo.

distortion feeling falling

2007-07-14T08:45:00.000-07:00

many things i have not said to you
many things that are inside my head that need to spoken to you
but hey, you never know what is inside my mind
i hope i am the one that will make you stop and realize.

if only i could show you how i feel about you
i know that this feeling ever end
i was so blind because of too much dreaming
dreaming of YOU makes me really wonder about you

even though it is all fake and usless
yet you never know my feeling
you always talk to me
you always give me your smile and affection

hey there, my beautiful memories
yet we never been together
(and i always hope for that, if one day we'll become together
this is what i call distortion feeling falling and damaging my mind
please tell me which is right or wrong...

i really wish for that
if only you were mine,
and hey... where you ever think of me?

*dedicated to someone who used to be nice to me, but now you are nicer more than ever... no, don't lie to myself, my heart. i know that i do love you.*

why... why...

2007-06-06T07:49:00.000-07:00

we are not like this.... but i want us to be like this : )
cuz i'm so in love with you...

and this is what am i facing... the unpredictible things....

why? why don't you tell me whatever you know about me??
why don't we just tell the truth from both of us??
i don't know what exactly you're feeling about me...
i don't know what's exactly in your mind...
i don't exactly if you love me or not...

even though,
now what i'm feeling is all about you...
it's all about you and i can not tell you because i'm too shy,
i'm too scared .. i'm too scared if you'll leave me and i'll loose you...
you are so the reason why my feeling has fallen into the deepest of my heart...

i just can not get rid of you from my mind...
why don't you tell me??
why don't you just be honest, whether if you have the same feeling to me or not??
why not know... don't make me even hurted anymore...
why don't u just call my name.. i'll be by your side...
why don't you just tell me the truth...

i'm not a greatest person...
i can't give you anything but my love and affection...
and all i need you to be is just..
be here... and be mine... that's all...

i just want to, cuz i love you a lot. a lot!

why?

2007-06-02T22:00:00.000-07:00

here it comes again.. my feelings...
and yeah i can not deny it
but i did state it ... yaaaa

here it is, if you really have the same feeling with me (i wish)

"i'm not a greatest person"

i can't give you anything but my kindness..
that's all that i can do...

but if you really don't know anything about me, read these:
" i love you so much, but i can't speak, so how will you see my kindness? "

it ends tonight

2007-04-27T07:57:00.000-07:00

my feeling ends tonight,
i wish it could happen soon.
cuz i don't wanna be hurted.
so please, don't hurt me also.

it ends tonight,
cuz everything is just perfectly fake...

lost it

2007-04-04T07:55:00.000-07:00

finally i've lost it
without saying any words or else
i just lost it all the way....
maybe you should know about yourself..
that's the reason why i've lost my feeling to you
completely lost!
hell yeah! and that's what i want all the time!

it's not about you

2007-02-13T06:35:00.000-08:00

and it's not about me.
i guess i'm missing you again and again and again.
i feel so stupid about what i did in my past, i forgot u all the way, and i know
i regret it sooo much...

will me meet again? and will you still remember me?
i hope so...
and here it is, i'll confess to you one day, when the day comes.
i really hope i will,
so you'll know how my feeling is, yesh, i hope you'll know.

and i'm not joking, cuz i will do that, ....

friendship

2007-02-07T09:20:00.000-08:00

friendship is a longest thing that will be happen, yet it's so fragile.

we had our fragile times, and we have it recovered.

i hope that this friendship will last forever.

becuz i love you, my bestfriend. =)

both are ok? :)

2006-12-11T03:30:00.000-08:00

miss u, honestly i miss you.
i've been so dizzy these days and i just want sumone to cheer me up.
oh God how i miss myself these days...

i'm at the top of my lazyness, at the top of my sadness, at the top of my dissapointed,
i'm mad at myself, i'm sad of myself, i'm dissapointed at myself.
cuz i can't figure these problems, i just want to be happy without any result come from my duties.

i'm gloomy todays.. am i? i gues i am..

and i just saw my friend, also glooming... what happen to both of us?

but i can talk to him today, i miss him.
i just wanna spend more time with him... but i guess i'm too far away from him...
hey u, if u read this (but i guess u won't) do u feel the same way?
miss u...

this feeling

2006-11-22T08:44:00.000-08:00

you made a special memories for me,
a flower that bloomed like the dreams we dreamed up together...

that day,
i rid myself of my precious memories,
i wished for my love to go on...

i start the letter "i'm sorry",
and it's not unexpected that you can not forgive me....

i wonder if you're looking at the night sky too?
i wish this feeling would get to you, once more...

song lyrics presented me - part 2

2006-11-11T05:42:00.000-08:00

8. How can you get ahead in life ?

Tsumetai Yoru - Ouran Host Club High School
There isn’t anything
That I can believe in anymore
Within the crowds of people coming and going by
In the monochrome world
I was hanging my head, but-

I’ve realized, with your words
A single flower nestling up against my feet

As if persuading myself
That even if I lost you
I wouldn’t be afraid
I started walking…

Only silence
Completely buries my chest
Even though I lived
Without knowing what I want and such

I don’t even understand
The meaning of doubting anymore
Inside of the distorted town
I felt correctness
But I was being swept along

(yesh, everything is so doubtful!)

9. What is the best thing about your friends?

sayonara solitia - chrno crusade
Because I'm no longer alone, tomorrow awakens, and I'm with you
Because I have someone whom I love so much, I'm here by your side, protecting you
I'm so glad that I was born on this earth that connects me to you

(yesh i do love them all! and i'm so glad because i owe them, my best friends!)

10. What is in store this weekend?

Tsubasa Wa Pleasure Line - chrno crusade
Let's fly in the most beautiful of sky
This is certainly a try for the future!

11. What song describes you?

Wounded - Good Charlotte
Lost and broken
Hopeless and lonely
Smiling on the outside
Hurt beneath my skin
My eyes are fading
My soul is bleeding
I'll try to make it seem okay
But my faith is wearing thin

So help me heal these wounds
They've been open for way too long
Help me fill this soul
Even though this is not your fault
That I'm open
And I'm bleeding
All over your brand new rug
And I need someone to help me SEW them up

(i always need someone to cheer me up...because of this emo-mode..)

12. To describe your grandparents?

Thank You Mom - Good Charlotte
I said I thank you,
We'll always thank you
More than you would know,
Than I could ever show
And I love you,
I'll always love you,
There's nothing I won't do to say these words to you,

That I thank you,
We'll always thank you
More than you would know,
Than I could ever show
And I'll love you,
We'll always love you,
There's nothing I won't do to say these words to you
That you will live forever

(it should be for my parents, but i do also love my grandma and grandpa..miss them..)

13. How is you life going on ?

Chronicles of Life and Death - Good Charlotte
andthese are the chronicals of life and death and everything beetween these are the stories of our lives as fictional as they may seem
you come in this world and you go out just the same
today could be the best day of
today ccould be the worst day of
today could be the last day of your life
it's your life
your life

(life is all about life or death... a day can be your best or worst day...)

14. What song will the play at your funeral ?

The Day That I die - Good Charlotte
One day I woke up
I woke up knowing
Today is the day I will die
Cashdogg was barking
Went to the park and
Enjoyed it one last time
I called my mother
Told her I loved her
And I begged her not to cry
I wrote a letter
That said I'd miss her
And I signed that goodbye...

(before a funerall, just enjoy your last times...)

15. How does the world see you ?

My December - Linkin Park
This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
This is my December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December
This is me alone

And I,
Just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
And I,
Take back all the things I said
To make you feel like that
And I,
Just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
And I,
Take back all the things that I said to you

And I'd give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to

16. Will you have a happy life ?

Life - Yui (Bleach)
When I was a kid, days when I terribly hurt Mom happened, too
Now I want to change everything
If I tried to leave for a place where the sun shines and strongly gripping my hands
Destroying that place and that time, I can change life

(I just want to change my life... everything is a mess, and i dun wanna these things again..)

17. Do your friends really think of you ?

Dearest - Inuyasha

In such times,
I see you laughing
whenever I close my eyes.

Back then, when we met,
it was all awkward.
We went the long way, didn't we?
We got hurt, didn't we?
Until the day I reach eternal sleep,
that smiling face will
have to stay with me without fail

(hope my friends think the same :)

18. Do people secretly lust for you?

dun have any... ^^;

19. How can I make myself happy ?

Shiro No Jumon - Saiyuki Reload Gunlock
"Forget forget forget everything"
The obsolete me soon will have no use.
Ah, a white incantation

Run away, run away, run away my soul
Taking a ride in my dreams, through thick and thin
Ah, the beginning, yes,
Is from now

(yesh just be happy and don't take everything hardly..)

20. What should you do with life?

Mitsumeiteitai - Saiyuki Reload Gunlock

If I can keep walking with you the way you just were,
Throughout it all I'll want nothing, having known with truth

Years have passed , time has streamed on, spring is shorter than in the olden days
You have changed, It seems I'm not good at speaking of change

And yet, taking out the photographs, If I open them
There you are, always smiling

I want to stare at you in your entirety forever, even your crying face
Without presenting anything, only these hands are joined.

(oooh yessh.. i dunno what should i do in my life? ^^;)

21. Will you ever have children?

Que Sera Sera

Que sera sera, whatever will be, will be...
The Future is not ours to see...
Que sera sera..
What will be will be...

(oh yesssh ssooooooooooo yesssssh! that's teh correct answer! ^^)

song lyrics presented my day - part 1

2006-11-10T20:49:00.000-08:00

1. How are you feeling today ?

alone - gensoumaden saiyuki
I've searched for pieces of myself,
counting the endless nights all the while.
These feelings are becoming so certain
I almost lose myself.
Right now, without fail, I will walk forward, however far.

(i usually loose myslef, hope i can get back to may normal mood)

2. Will you get far in life?

how i go - yellowcard

I could tell you the wildest of tales
My friend the giant and traveling sales
Tell you all the times that I failed
The years all behind me
The stories exhaled.
And I'm drying out
Crying out
This isn't how I go

(please let me go successfully)

3. How do your friends see you ?

mata ashita! - ouran high school host club
See you tomorrow! So we can see you smiling,
So we’ll never forget the warmth
from when we joined hand-to-hand in a circle, start walking with me
No matter if we fight and disagree (no matter what happen)
There will never be regrets about meeting you

(thank youu my friends, i do love you all!)

4. Will you get married?

sore ga, ai deshou - full metal panic

Because I have you, because I have tomorrow
because I can't live on all alone
I feel you so close by me, I guess that's love
Because you know how much pain tears can bring
I want to find a smile in your transparent eyes
as I search for a definite meaning in them
Although it'd be good if these feelings found their way into your heart without me needing to speak a word

(oooh i really hopee~)

5. What is your best friend’s theme song ?

best friend - school rumble
I'll be there for you
I will be with you
I'll be there for you
Whenever you need
Ah~Ah~Ah~Ah~
I'll be there for you
I will be with you
I'll be there for you
Cause I love you

(thanks God, for meeting me and her, i do luff her sooo much!)

6. What is the story of your life?

open up your mind - gensoumaden saiyuki

Even when it seems that nothing can go right
and you want to just give up,
if you close your eyes,
you can see the world from your heart.

In this world when life can be so tough
You must be strong
Just believe in yourself and don't you fear
So open up your mind and close your eyes
Take another look from the other side

Even on a lonely night, when you wander afraid,
you may be alone now, but
your feet can take you however far you want to go, so

Just hold on tight, because if you close your eyes,
look inside yourself, there's a shining light there.
Yes, I want you to believe in everything.
You can take another look from the other side

Just hold on tight, even if your heart is breaking.
Reach into your soul, even if you can't see tomorrow.
Yes, if you have the strength to live,
You can take another look from the other side,
until you find all that is love...

I wish for you to have the strength
to make it through this world,
so open up your mind,
and you'll be able to see...

(so kewl~! and this is really my life, finding so many truths behind this loneliness and sadness)

7. What was high school like ?

graduation (friends forever) - vitamin C
Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there?
Can we make it somehow?
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women and men
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us 'round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
We remember
All the times we
Had together
And as our lives change
Come Whatever
We will still be
Friends Forever

(friends forever until the ends, i love my high school! wanna bo back there!!)

untitled

2006-11-01T08:48:00.000-08:00

still i'm thinking about you, i can not afford this feeling...
don't go over my head, i'm not a good thinker of you.. .______.
but i do luff you..
and i can not escape anything about you...

yesh, all my poems are dedicated to u....
i can not write anything for another...
it's just for you....
but have you recognized anything about me?

i really wish for that... :)
there's no regret about meeting you...

sampai jumpa, sendiri

2006-10-25T07:32:00.000-07:00

karena aku begitu mencintaimu, aku menyakitimu, membuatku menjadi sangat bingung
mendekati pipimy yang dingin, jiwaku lahir
aku selalu ingin melihatmu dengan segera

aku sangat mencintaimu, tapi aku tidak bisa jujur, jadi kapan kamu bisa melihat kebaikanku?
peluk aku lebih erat, aku percaya pada hatimu yang hangat
sampai jumpa, aku sendiri, sampai besok

karena aku begitu kecil, aku sudah memberikan segalanya, tapi itu tidak cukup
tangan ini yang tidak bisa menyembunyikan apa-apa, aku ingin memberikan sesuatu untukmu
kita tetap harus melihat hal-hal itu

mengapa aku bisa melupakan orang sepenting ini?
dengan memegang tanganku yang hampir terluka ini, aku melihat mimpi yang telah hilang menjadi perpisahan yang menyedihkan, hingga aku sendiri lagi

tetapi aku tidak lagi sendiri, karena bila terbangun esok, aku bersamamu lagi
karena aku memiliki seseorang yang sangat aku cintai, aku di sisimu selalu, melindungimu
aku sangat senang bisa lahir di dunia ini, yang mana memperkenalkan diriku denganmu...

translated of sayonara solitia by chiba saeko
ost. chrno crusade

hmm....

2006-10-24T08:24:00.000-07:00

dunno what to say..
just wondering if he remember me these days....

feeling happy cuz i chatted with him those 2 days...
but still missing him soo much T____T....

wanna meet him!

feeling (a bit) well

2006-10-16T07:22:00.000-07:00

hem.. well i'v already forgotten those things. let him go, with my friend. oh well, so sick, so sad, but that'll be ok, cuz i know he wasn't mean for me, so that's ok ... that's ok...

forgot those sucks things now, cuz i dun wanna be hurted anymore, just focusing my feeling on him... i don't know will this ended in a nice story or not?

i dunno..
but honestly, i luvv you too much...
i know it would be difficult to let u go...
i guess i do....

it's like im getting touched

2006-10-14T10:22:00.000-07:00

i dunno....
i'm so mad at luff...
help me..
i see him again in his picture,
and i remember him again...

i guess i really can not forget about him...
God help me, anything, i'm beg You...

i can not stand it alone...
cuz i wanna meet him again, i do.

shouted im a-long

2006-10-14T02:28:00.000-07:00

dat's me again. wanna write sumthing.
i dunno which one should i cheer for, eventhough i'm not enough to say that i'm lucky like everybody else who are totally cheering their heart to be in such a unusuall thing called luff? weirdo;; i guess i'm not good enough for that, still far, though. ._____.

should i say that i'm in that?
no, i guess not. yes i know that im thinking of that person, but i don't wanna be hurted by those sucks things or whatever. whoaa i call it sucks? no, that's not what i mean hey u people, it's just because i always get in trouble because of that. and now im realize that everything has to be as normal as i can, i don't show my emotion in front of him, but deeply in my heart, i'm shouting all teh time. and now i'm missing him so much. ;____;

i'm still here, juz wanna to say that i've been thinking about u, hey there.
please look at me like the way i do for u, and sorry for all my fault. i know im not perfect enough to make u happy or satisfied. i know im not.

but eventhough i know u're not looking at me, that's ok. juz wanna say thanks for everything, thank u...

daisuki, daisuki, daisuki desu.

guh-reat, if this were true, well... bye-bye then.

2006-10-11T09:51:00.000-07:00

What will you feel if the one that you love is owned by another person?
What will you think if that person is one of your best friends?
What will you say to your bestfriend if this thing is actually happened?
What will you do next?

Will you easily forget that person you love?
Will you search for another person as soon as possible?
Will you cry hard and forget anything?
Will you slap your bestfriend and assume that she's your biggest enemy?

After this struggleness to get what you really want,
will you ever think that you know you can not reach that person?
After this too many tears drop off,
will you pray hard to get him, but you know if it is impossible?

Do you see what's your position now?
Do you feel like you are being betrayed by your close friend?
Do you have any decision; you want to stick with your bestfriend or you want to forget your bestfriend?
Which one will you choose?

Do you still remember, if you know that person first?
Have you ever prayed to God, and say like this, "God, please make me realize if he's not mine", have you?
Have you ever think if "nothing is impossible" equals to bullshit?
And will you say this t those 2 people:
"great, if this will become true, well, bye-bye then" ?

poem 2

2006-10-03T09:41:00.001-07:00

this is the way i think
i feel that this situation is so sucks and i can not forget this
i don't know why things like this always happen in my new life
but i know i don't have any right to scream or to angry

do i always do something wrong?
and why i always stuck like this in the middle of the center?
what should i do with this?
i don't have any effort to solve problems like this.
oh i hate it!
God please help me,
take me out from this empty whole...
God i'm beg you...

poem I

2006-09-28T09:07:00.000-07:00

just to see some painful memories there
and i wanna skratch them all
hey, i wanna say something that maybe would not be so useful for you
why?
just guessing, cause u don't care anything about me
i'm so sick now because i can't help myself not to think about you anymore
but i just want to make sure that you still remember me
u still, right?
or have u forgotten me?
i'll be very sad if u really do
because i know i can not stand myself not to talk to u
because i always share my stories to you
but why u never ever care anything about me?
have you ever cared about me?
have you?
if this is my mistake, i'm sorry
and would you forgive me by saying those bad words to you?
i don't know...
but i hope this friendship could be last forever...
because i love you,
but i can't speak any words to u......

haapppyy

2006-09-25T08:01:00.000-07:00

hmmm so many nice moments today.. *giggle*
too embarassing to say in this blog, hahaha... and i hope that person thinks the same too as me..
but yaaah, i can say much more than this, i just wanna say that i hope this could be in a good way.. i don't know...

and i miss my bestfriends so much, especially my dearest yu-chan, i love u... and i miss u sooo much! (she's a girl anyway =p) my dearest one since i was in elementary school until high school, but we're now are separated in the univ life.. hmmm but i don't care, friends : never die, so we keep in contact... miss talking with u hun! huhuhuhu....

at night staying

2006-09-24T08:51:00.000-07:00

huh whatsoever about teh tittle, i dun care...
hem, i got nothing to do, but how come i still remembering that person?
haha what will be, i guess i won't forget him eventhough i've already have a new crush...
yes, he's so kind, too kind actually
his smile is so nice, could melt my heart actually
2 days ago he sent me an sms, i'm so glad he still remember me...

and if times goes on, i hope he still remember me, always...
i don't until what time i keep this feeling
cause now i love him so much, eventhough he doesn't have the same feeling as me, i don't care
i always show my affection to him...
and what i wanna most, is that, i hope this friendship could be last forever.... hope he still remember me always and love me as his close friend... i really wish...

sayonara solitia

2006-09-11T09:21:00.001-07:00

do u know about this song? haha no one sings this lyric cause this is the translation of teh real song.
the real song is in Japanese, teh tittle is "Sayonara Solitia" from OST Chrno Crusade, was sung by Choba Saeko... i love this song so much cause this is such a nice song in a good melody and the meaning is so... hearttouching (if u feel the same u'll feel more and more...)

the original lyrics (in japanese) :

daisuki to omou kara ne kizutsu ittari tomadottari
tsumetai hoho wo yose atte kokoro ga umareta
itsumo ima sugu ni aitai

mukuchi ni naruhodo suki yo yasashi sa doushitara mieru no
dakishimete motto tsuyoku atataka na mune wo shinjiru yo
sayonara solitia ashita he

chiisana watashi dakara zenbu demo tarinai yone
nanni mo kakusanai de anata ni agetai
mada shiroi yoake wo miokutte

konnani daiji na hito ni doushite meguri aetano to
itai hodo tsunagu yubi de sabishi sa kienu yume wo miru no
sayonara solitia

mou hitori jyanai kara ashita mezameru no anata to

daisuki na hito dakara ne sobani iru mamotteru
anata he tsunagaru daichi ni umerete yokatta

and this is the translation (in english) :
It's because I love you so much that I hurt you, that I'm so confused
Coming close to your cold cheek, my soul was born
I always want to see you right away

I love you so much I can't speak, so how will you see my kindness?
Hold me tighter, I believe in your warm heart
Farewell, solitaire, to tomorrow

Because I'm so small, I give everything, but it's not enough
This hand, which can't hide anything at all, I want to give to you
We still have to see off the white dawn

Why was I able to run across someone this important?
Holding on to these fingers that they almost hurt, I see the dream that had disappeared into sadness Farewell, solitaire

Because I'm no longer alone, tomorrow awakens, and I'm with you

Because I have someone whom I love so much, I'm here by your side, protecting you
I'm so glad that I was born on this earth that connects me to you

Enjoy! the heartouching song... my favourite japanese song! oh ya and the icon is mine! it was created by my bestfriend, yu-chan! thanks so muc for the icon hun!

sayonara solitia

2006-09-11T09:21:00.000-07:00

daisuki to omou kara ne kizutsu ittari tomadottari
tsumetai hoho wo yose atte kokoro ga umareta
itsumo ima sugu ni aitai

mukuchi ni naruhodo suki yo yasashi sa doushitara mieru no
dakishimete motto tsuyoku atataka na mune wo shinjiru yo
sayonara solitia ashita he

chiisana watashi dakara zenbu demo tarinai yone
nanni mo kakusanai de anata ni agetai
mada shiroi yoake wo miokutte

konnani daiji na hito ni doushite meguri aetano to
itai hodo tsunagu yubi de sabishi sa kienu yume wo miru no
sayonara solitia

mou hitori jyanai kara ashita mezameru no anata to

daisuki na hito dakara ne sobani iru mamotteru
anata he tsunagaru daichi ni umerete yokatta

rant rant!!

2006-09-11T03:30:00.000-07:00

my my.. this day, i dun have any desire to do something, cause teh homework are starting to increase again -___- and tomorrow i'll have teh quis for microeconomics.. nah, i dun really understand about this sucbject eventhough i've already studied in high school life.. but because it's 100% english so i'm not sure.. but just following one of my friends words : "just be optimist" so i go!

today also, my brother did his entrance test and interview for his job.. O___o i haven't heard any stories from him, but i thought that was the hardest moment today for him... bro.. i can not say anything but good luck!

regarding the job test and interview, i'm starting to review my past memories with mah brother... oh he's now an adult! and he's gonna work? oh gosh, how come the time runs so quickly.. i've never realized if now i'm a collage student! wth? it's so fast, isn't it? and i have to run my life more indepent because it's not the same thing anymore.. (yu-chan's words)

i miss my high school memories.. T___T get meh back to there, i wanna meet my friends again.... all of them are so far far away from me... i wanna hug them all and wanna be hugged from them also ._______. miss that memories so much...

sleepyheadd

2006-09-09T09:21:00.000-07:00

hem.... so long time since i haven't posted any words in my blog... maybe it could be a year or more maybe? haha.. but at least now i can use it, not for my diary of course coz i have already put all my happy-sad-blank-words in another site of mine cuz it is saver i think ^^;; hehehe

well well, after my bestfriend yu-chan won't submit any words again in her blog but now i'm just started to use it ^^;;

cause now i'm often play around in the internet while doing my assignments so i think it could be very very bored without any activities with my compie...
now i'm doing teh accounting projects.. damn so lazy but i hav to do it cuz there's so many plan to go beybeh XD XD

i think tomorrow i'l go with mah mom and brother for buying new long or 3/4 pants and other t-shirts, i need it for my univ wearing X___X
i've never thought about it when i was in high school cause i usually wear sleeping t-shirt at home and i wore uniform for school ^^;;
and nah... now i dun have any t-shirts that is deserved for my univ wearing ^^;;; hahaha *just kidding anyway, dun take it so serious*
hem hem and i think i'm gonna buy much cause i'm getting bored with mah pants now ^^;; wanna have another new one or sumthing... ^^ and also teh t-shirt... hehe...

hassh too lazy to talk acout clothing cause this is not me i think *never talk about clothing before, what a strange girl i am*
what i'm gonna say next? have no idea x____x err... maybe... i miss drawing! i wanna draw! but why the hell of projects always bother my time! hey i dun like this.. *spanks, this is univ life nabeyaki!* weell it's kinda hard not to draw for me because it used to be my habit when i was in high school.. if i'm bored with the lesson so i took a pencil or pen then i draw, but now?? hhhh i must not, not because the lecturer are strick or whatsoever, it's because the lesson are all in english.. i have to think twice and i have to listen *for the shake of me too, the succed i thought* drawww.. draww... so thirsty of it.. let meh draw! i haven't submit new pictures in DA.. i miss many comments in mah picture *eventhough mine is not so good*
and i also miss DA friends... hhaaha no cosplay, no gathering, right?? how are u all anyway?

*sigh* it's already 01.10 am, mom started to ask me to go to bed... well well... i'm sleepy too anyway... XD XD

ini sekedar testing..

2005-12-07T23:09:00.000-08:00

oi! ini sekedar testing... smoga blogku bisa jalan! yuzu! terima kasih atas petunjuknya!!